It's Not Supposed to Be a Race. . . . .

This whole Life thing isn't supposed to be a race, right? We're supposed to muddle through this whole thing and hopefully we come out at the end with whatever we put into our lives.

Yet I feel simultaneously ahead and behind. More behind than ahead.

The person I think of as my ex from college is getting married in May. The relationship didn't work out for a lot of reasons; mainly I think we were just young and ultimately had incompatible world views. We both did a lot of ugly stuff to each other. So it goes.

He bought a house and has a dog. He's getting married already. I didn't "lose" because he wasn't right for me but I feel like he's "winning".

It's easy to focus on all the stuff that I don't have. I don't have a house of my own. I don't have a dog. I don't have enough time to do all of the things I want to get done in the day.

I try to tell myself that it's better that things worked out the way they did. I'm too young to get married anyway; I'm working on a higher degree and don't have the time to put into a live-in relationship. I try to tell myself that I think I'm prettier than the other girl, although in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. At. All. I try to tell myself that neither of them has completed a marathon and neither of them works for The Man I work for. (Even if The Man gets me down some days, I think the deal I have with The Man is pretty good.) I'm fairly certain that I make more money than he does, or that I at least started out making more money than he does. I try to tell myself that it's hard to make it in L.A. and that if I was living in Sacramento making the money I do here I could easily afford to buy a house of my own.

Yet all of that feels hollow. It feels the weight of what I've gained since we parted is less than the weight of what he's gained. I feel like it should be even. It should be fair.

I try to tell myself that most married people are miserable, that many first marriages end in divorce. On the other hand I tell myself it's a good thing he found someone who is compatible with him. Someone who is a little older and has the compatible brokenness to deal with his mother issues I could never handle. It's a good thing they look happy together.

He told me once that he thought I'd never marry. He blamed our relationship's failure on me.

This whole mess was so long ago and yet I still feel "stuff" about it. I don't want to be the woman marrying him but I wish there was someone out there who wanted to marry me.

It's not supposed to be a race but I still feel like he won. Shit. I hopefully have at least 3/4 of my life to live and already feel like he won.

It's not supposed to be a race. Why do I feel like I lost?

Recipe: Szechuan Chicken & Potatoes

I honestly have no idea what this recipe is really called.

When I was in college, my favorite math professor married a woman from Chengdu, in China. Wow that lady can cook. She is also very sweet and kind. My professor picked good. :)

When I was fortunate enough to be invited over for dinner, she would make the most fantastic dishes. I saw her cook once and tried to pay attention so I could replicate the dishes later. This was one of the most delicious she made. Warning: this totally clears your sinuses.

Skinless, boneless chicken, cubed (I use about 1/2 - 1 chicken breast per serving)
Potato, cubed (about a 1:1 ratio of potato to chicken)
Salt to taste
Szechuan red pepper to taste
Chopped green onion (just the greens, and I don't know how much. Maybe 1/2 stalk per serving)
Chopped cilantro (I have no idea exactly how much, but it's a lot. Maybe a half bunch for two servings.)

Boil a small amount of water and boil the potato cubes until they are cooked, about 5 to 10 minutes. Drain.
Heat up a wok and put some oil in it.
Stir fry the chicken until cooked, then add the cooked potato, salt and red pepper.
Stir fry a minute or two to get the flavors to mingle, then add the chopped green onion and cilantro and stir fry some more. The cilantro will wilt a bit, and then you will know it's done.

Eat with rice.

Here is a hint; if you have kitchen shears you can just hold the stalks of cilantro over the wok and snip away.

Restaurant Review: Bonjour French Pastry

This is a "Japanese French" -style bakery, so they have lots of delicious pastries in traditional and traditionally Asian flavors (like green tea and red bean).

The servers there were really nice, and the decor is very "Asian cute" in a French style. If you have some better term for Asian-French fusion please let me know.

The cakes are pretty yummy and normally sized (as opposed to the steroid-sized anything you might find at an American bakery), and the ingredients tasted fresh.

They don't accept credit cards here, so make sure to bring cash.

Bonjour French Pastry
18222 S. Western Ave.
Gardena, CA 90248
(310) 323-1468

The Women Men Don't See

I have a deep love for really good science fiction. The kind that makes you look at our world in a new perspective and say, "huh." (As opposed to "huh?") I have a deep love for the spirit of Star Trek because of this (which is now a mere shade of what it once was).

I read Slashdot fairly regularly. One story posted quite a while ago was a question asking the Slashdot readers what would be appropriate and belong in a high school-level science fiction literature class. I can't seem to find the link now, but someone posted a link to a syllabus of a college-level course which included the James Tiptree short story "The Women Men Don't See". The title alone fascinated me and I was compelled to search it out. You can buy a James Tiptree anthology on B&N here or read the story online here. (If you get the anthology I recommend looking up "Houston, Houston, Do You Read?")

Go read it. It's not long. I could spoil the pivotal scene for you, as several bloggers have done, but you should have the joy and delight of reading it yourself.

I've asked several men if they would go on a one-way mission to colonize Mars, to be a part of history. Almost all of them have said no. The one exception that I can remember said that if the mission was something like Total Recall he would go. Why not? Men are happy here. Comfy. There's nothing to compel most men to find a new life.

And women? If I could go to Mars to start life on a new world why not? Why not try for something better than what we have today, and have a pivotal role in building it? Why not give the world a reason to remember my name (3:15 in this clip)?

Rose Parade Preview

Happy New Year!

Tonight my boyfriend and I wandered around the staging area for the Rose Parade floats.

My favorite floats were sponsored by the city of Torrance and the Ronald McDonald house.

The Ronald McDonald House float was space-themed.

City of Torrance float. I really liked it because of all the birds and the "greenhouse look" to it.

I can't remember who sponsored this float, but it's a tribute to the Tuskegee Airmen of WWII.

Honda float. It's a ship piloted by their Asimov robot.

Taiwan's float, sponsored by China Airlines

Here's a start to a brand new year!

Merry Christmas

I found this great blog today and wanted to share. This gal really is feisty, in a good way!

Foxy Pink Cheetah: Feminism

Shell Shocked

Have you ever signed up for something and then realize when it was over that, had you known what you were signing yourself up for in advance, you would have never signed up for it in the first place?

Yeah. That's what Advanced Operating Systems at USC taught by Professor Neuman is like.

Don't get me wrong. I actually *liked* and *enjoyed* the class, even though operating systems is not my strong suit. And Professor Neuman is awesome. The running joke among a few of us is that Professor Neuman can cause a lightbulb to spontaneously light up through sheer enthusiasm and mental brilliance. He's that good.

But had I known in advance that the open book, open note final would involve two 3" binders full of papers we had to read, the actual textbook for the class, my own notes and the slides from class, I think I might have passed. Or questioned my sanity.

For future reference, if you take this course from Professor Neuman, be prepared to learn a lot about distributed operating systems. Neuman is God when it comes to this and computer security. Yes. Try taking a class from God. The brain cannot get any fuller than this, and there is no dial past 11.

If you do take this course from Professor Neuman, here is a list of the readings to pay particular attention to:

Any paper on Kerberos or Prospero.
The Cheriton and Lampson papers are especially "good for you".
Neuman's paper on Scale in Distributed Systems was nicknamed in my class "The Magic Paper". Much knowledge is to be gleaned from this. Read this paper even before you take the midterm.
The Fault Tolerance and Mach papers are "good for you" as well.

When you take the final, for God's sake please print out a copy of your reading reports. They came in handy as I didn't have to re-lookup many of my answers. Also, for the design problem, a lot of people seem to get hung up on details. The specifics of the problem description are only there to provide some context for solving it. You can't completely forsee or solve every problem this system is going to have in the 30 or so minutes you have to solve it. The point is can you get the broad strokes of the solution and convey them in a way to the grader to show that you have an understanding of the course material. Your solution doesn't have to be "right", but you do need to justify your decisions in a way that "makes sense".

Anyway, in a way I'm sad the class is over. I look forward to taking Computer Security with Neuman next Fall.

Bento Snack

I actually made a whole lunch for Mr. Bento today, but here's just a photo of the snack portion (because it turned out the prettiest). This is the small tupperware container, filled with cheddar cheese, smoked sausage, and crackers. If I had a couple grape tomatoes I would have squeezed them in around the crackers, but other than that everything fit quite snugly. The angle of the photo just makes the container look half empty.

The rest of the lunch was Thanksgiving leftovers; stuffing and green beans in the rice container and turkey slathered with cranberry sauce in the soup container. The large tupperware container had peanut butter cookies and chex mix to snack on, but I haven't really tackled that one yet.

Hey Twilight Fans!

Please, please, please, for the love of homemade macaroni with real cheddar cheese, please explain to me why you love this series so much.

Because this synopsis of Breaking Dawn and this comparison of Edward's behavior to an abusive relationship signs checklist do not help your case.

I watched Twilight last night. On YouTube. And I do not understand the appeal of Edward's character *at* *all*. I was OK with his character until his conversation with Bella in the hallway when he tells her flat-out that no one would believe her version of what happened with the van. Holy crap. Any fascination I had for the character completely died in that moment.

I actually really liked the Jacob character (even though I *know* he forcibly kisses her in one of the later books). Given the choice between the two, at least it appears that Jacob genuinely cares about Bella (although the reason why escapes me. I think she's an awful human being, even for being an angsty teenager).

And yes, when they make the film version of Breaking Dawn, I think they should keep it as true to the novel as the synopsis. Because at least that film would be hilarious.

Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving!

I volunteered myself to host Thanksgiving for my parents and sweetheart this year. This is the first time I've hosted Thanksgiving, and while I'm a bit freaked out, I think I'll be OK. :)

Did I mention I don't have an oven?

I do, on the other hand, have a very nice Weber Q 220 that I think will work for all the "oven like" things I'll be doing.

I'm going to make:
Dinner Rolls - I'm going to borrow liberally from the Taste of Home Garlic Herb Rolls recipe. I really don't need 20 dinner rolls. :)
Turkey (I found an 8lb free range one that was quite a dear price at Whole Foods - it should fit in the grill) - I'm going to be inspired by Alton Brown's recipe, but omit the brine because I don't have a pan big enough to brine the turkey in. Let's hope butter under the skin will do the trick. I found a neat grilled turkey article here.
Stuffing - A bag of Pepperidge Farm's herb seasoned stuffing made Mrs. Cubbison's style. Saute the celery and onions with the giblets for the best results. I haven't decided if this will go in a dish on the grill or if I'll just make it on the stovetop.
Roasted Acorn Squash - sprinkled with cinnamon
either steamed green beans or steamed asparagus (I found asparagus on sale that looked kind of nice, so I think that will be the winner)
Pumpkin Pie - using the recipe on the can of pumpkin and a pie crust made with an egg.

I finally found kitchen twine at Ralph's. It seems like one of those things that should be ubiquitous to the kitchen, but I honestly don't think many stores carry it. If they do it's not in a good location. I almost bought "turkey lacers" and steal the twine from that until I spotted the real thing.