This whole Life thing isn't supposed to be a race, right? We're supposed to muddle through this whole thing and hopefully we come out at the end with whatever we put into our lives.
Yet I feel simultaneously ahead and behind. More behind than ahead.
The person I think of as my ex from college is getting married in May. The relationship didn't work out for a lot of reasons; mainly I think we were just young and ultimately had incompatible world views. We both did a lot of ugly stuff to each other. So it goes.
He bought a house and has a dog. He's getting married already. I didn't "lose" because he wasn't right for me but I feel like he's "winning".
It's easy to focus on all the stuff that I don't have. I don't have a house of my own. I don't have a dog. I don't have enough time to do all of the things I want to get done in the day.
I try to tell myself that it's better that things worked out the way they did. I'm too young to get married anyway; I'm working on a higher degree and don't have the time to put into a live-in relationship. I try to tell myself that I think I'm prettier than the other girl, although in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. At. All. I try to tell myself that neither of them has completed a marathon and neither of them works for The Man I work for. (Even if The Man gets me down some days, I think the deal I have with The Man is pretty good.) I'm fairly certain that I make more money than he does, or that I at least started out making more money than he does. I try to tell myself that it's hard to make it in L.A. and that if I was living in Sacramento making the money I do here I could easily afford to buy a house of my own.
Yet all of that feels hollow. It feels the weight of what I've gained since we parted is less than the weight of what he's gained. I feel like it should be even. It should be fair.
I try to tell myself that most married people are miserable, that many first marriages end in divorce. On the other hand I tell myself it's a good thing he found someone who is compatible with him. Someone who is a little older and has the compatible brokenness to deal with his mother issues I could never handle. It's a good thing they look happy together.
He told me once that he thought I'd never marry. He blamed our relationship's failure on me.
This whole mess was so long ago and yet I still feel "stuff" about it. I don't want to be the woman marrying him but I wish there was someone out there who wanted to marry me.
It's not supposed to be a race but I still feel like he won. Shit. I hopefully have at least 3/4 of my life to live and already feel like he won.
It's not supposed to be a race. Why do I feel like I lost?
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4 comments:
Oh man I totally know how you feel!!! There will always be someone else to compare yourself to, so you have to learn to deal with it. Slow and steady wins the race. :)
Hey Krista!
Thanks!
Where are the photos of your dog? I want to see how cute it is! :)
Diane, I would be in too much of a hurry to get married if I were you. I just ended an engagement because it didn't feel right. It's better to take things slow and steady and put your priorities in order. Now that I've said that, I totally get what it's like to feel left behind after you see an ex doing so well or finding love, etc. Not long ago I saw an ex of mine in the mall with his new wife and little baby. And even though it's been since high school, so many many moons ago, I still had that little pang inside my gut.
Hi Jules,
Yes I've ended two engagements because they didn't feel right.
I just really want this warm, authentic relationship with a true companion. I'm starting to wonder if I'll *ever* find that. At some level I know some of the people I know who get married aren't self-actualized or whatever, but I just feel it's unfair that other people can have what I so long for yet can't create in my life.
My ex from high school got married to the woman he dated after me (actually several of my exes have gotten married to the women they dated immediately after me). He had to get his GED several years after high school, and never went to college. She's a hairstylist.
Even though being in a relationship with him would be SO unhealthy, I kind of have to wonder who "won", even though I'm doing really well for myself.
Maybe I just see it that way because I still think my star is on the rise, while his has peaked quite a while ago. I still like to believe I have better days in front of me than I do behind me.
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