Loss Of A Great Love

I lost a Great Love tonight.

I have no one with whom to share my bed, my food, my home, or my life with. Not to mention my dreams, the great sorrows and triumphs of life, and my soul.

I've cried so hard for so long my throat feels like sandpaper. I look a mess. I can't sleep - I had to force myself to eat tonight.

Yet I still breathe. Why?

I think of the experiences I won't get to have with him. I think of the experiences we've shared that we won't get to share again. I think on happier days when we were drunk with the new pangs of love.

How sad it would be to never love again. But to hope that the next Great Love would be the last, how great and wonderful that would be!

How futile a hope. I can't seem to get a relationship to last more than a few precious months. Before I met this man, I thought my heart was irreparably broken, that I could never truly love again.

Tonight I cannot stand the thought of falling in love at all.

I won't ever get to see him sleeping next to me. I won't ever be close enough to smell his skin or whisper sweet thoughts into his ear.

I face the world alone. Tomorrow I face Unforgiving Life and I must press on. To mourn would be to falter, and I have no one to save me now.

I Hate It When I Can't Sleep

Whenever I visit my parents, invariably my sleep schedule gets seriously whacked. I don't know if it's my room being seriously dusty (the whole house is dusty, thanks to the wind blowing all the time and Dad insisting on using a coal stove for heat), keeping me awake, or that I catch up on my sleep and then serious insomnia sets in, or a combination of both.

Therefore, since Cedar City tends to roll up the streets around 2100 (that's 9:00 PM), and the sleeping isn't happening, I've decided to complain about the not sleeping.

Besides blogging, I've also started a pre-moving project for my parents. I've purged both my library and my wardrobe (I can't believe I used to be a size six. . . what have I been eating since high school?!?) of "stuff" to minimize the amount of stuff my parents get to move. They have enough stuff of their own to move, why should I force them to move stuff that I'm just going to get rid of anyway?

When I moved to go to college, my parents decided to take over my room. Which normally I'm fine with, because I'm not visiting my parents the majority of the time. But somewhere along the line, my stuff and their stuff started to mingle. And sorting through all that is frustrating.

I can't wait until I get back to Butte. I have major plans that need to get implemented regarding my apartment.

In the Middle of the Night

I really dislike not being able to sleep. Especially since I'm one of those sleep-deprived college students who have to make up for the lack-of-sleep on the weekend. I even had one of those nifty three-day weekends this time, and slept blissfully through most of it. And now, Sunday night (Monday morning), here I am, typing away when I could be doing something more productive (like sleep). Beware, insomnia-inspired ramblings ahead!

College is really starting to get to me. I'm not quite sure what it is, besides the fact that I don't want to engineer software anymore. The only class that is vital to me graduating in May is the class I'm struggling with. I don't know what my problem is: I go to class, I do the homework, and I do lousy on the tests. I have a test in this class on Thursday, and I'm not exactly thrilled with the prospect of doing lousy on it. I just want to graduate!!! Credit-wise, I've already earned my bachelor's degree. Why can't they give it to me so I can escape and find out what I really want to do with my life?

Why is it so difficult to remember what happened last week, and what you have to do for tomorrow?

Put "The Nightmare Before Christmas" on your must-get DVD list. I can't believe I went so long without seeing that awesome flick. Yes, I had great company, but the movie's merits do hold the movie up on its own. One of these days I'm going to have to get a dog like Zero.

Can't Sleep

So instead of doing something productive like reading Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse-Five" or dreaming up a better question for tomorrow's "discussion" of Beowulf, I'm sitting here, blogging away.

That, and wasting epic amounts of time on mySpace. I found a kid who used to live across the street from me when I lived in California. Turns out he's into women and marijuana. And he used to be so . . . nice.

I had a conversation with my roommate the other day. She and her fiance took a couple of their friends to quite possibly the most over-priced restaurant in Butte. (Apparently the food is also really good) Anyway, she told me all I had to do was find myself a rich boyfriend to take me there, since it is kind of a romantic, Italian-type place. While I'm amused at what she considers "good enough" for me (as long as he's rich enough to take me to Spaghettini's, and nice enough to take a girl out to eat), I told her it wasn't going to happen. Not in Butte, and not this year. She has her doubts.

I, on the other hand, am perfectly content with taking myself out to eat (the Acoma has great cocktails and filet mignon). While I would rather have a delightful dinner companion, my experience with those have been insanely disappointing. It's enough for a girl to swear off men forever, and either date girls exclusively (which isn't going to happen) or jump into the Berkeley Pit (which also isn't going to happen).

And this is why I'm happier alone.

In the Middle of the Night

I hate it when you wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep.

Supposedly, I'm supposed to dream up a "discussion question" regarding what I've read of Beowulf for my class tomorrow. Except, I'm not impressed with the poem. But this is what I've come up with:

What is the significance of Grendel attacking Heorot?
"The great hall was the community meeting place in Norse culture. In attacking the hall, Grendel attacks Nordic civilization."

Now, if you're in my class, don't steal this and turn it in for yourself. I'll find out who you are, hunt you down and introduce you to my boots. They're hungry for some action.

Maybe I've got the wanderlust or something, because I never seem happy staying in one place for too long. The idea of being at Tech for another whole year of school is just so depressing and demoralizing. I just feel like I've been in Butte too long, that the students are too predictible, and some of the retardedness that goes on is utterly uninteresting and a waste of my time. If I didn't know that something was going to be retarded, I have the opportunity to be disappointed. But now that I know things will be stupid in advance I feel like there's no point in actually going.

For example, today I went to this Veteran's benefits meeting, because I'm leeching off of my Dad's educational VA benefits, and I got a letter in the mail saying I had to go. I went to this last year, and couldn't imagine what they could dream up this year that was so important as to call a "mandatory meeting". And they fed us at this "barbeque", which was really the SUB's attempt at Cajun cooking. Seafood from Montana Tech Food Service is usually bad to begin with, but catered seafood from Montana Tech was. . .interesting. They had oysters on the half-shell, which I was impressed with, even though I felt sick to the stomach after eating them. And I have a feeling that the gumbo they served isn't like the gumbo that you would get in New Orleans.

I did see several people I know at the "barbeque", and mentioned to my favorite professor that the Veteran's meeting was going to be a disappointing waste of my time. And Prof. Handley said, "As you get older, people tend to come up with new things to drain your time" (or something like that), which I felt was true. I also ran into one of the counselors at Tech, who I've gotten to know in passing over the years. And he asked me how I was, and how I was doing. When I said, "I'm doing OK", he sat down and talked with me for a few minutes, and invited me to stop by his office. Maybe he's just doing his job, but it's rare that someone asks you how you're doing and really care about the answer.