I'm starting to think I must *really* suck at relationships. They fail when I feed them with much love and affection, they fail when I feed less love and affection. They fail when I try too hard. They fail when I give up trying. What? What is it? Why can I get it to work?
I'm a bit lost that people say women have so much power in relationships, because I just am not seeing that at all. I don't think I'm ever going to get married to that guy who's the perfect teammate for me and have little fat babies. I'll have fat Shiba Inus instead. Because the people love just isn't working for me. It's tragic and I'm frustrated and I honestly cannot figure out what I'm doing wrong. I can suspect, and change the gameplan a little each time I go out with someone new, but it's always, without fail, an epic failure every time.
How is it that I can be so damn smart and yet so dumb with this relationship bullshit? I mean, the player I knew in college got married, and the jerk who used me to move to South Bay before dumping me has been married for a year and a half already.
Maybe I'm just un-marriable.
Strangely enough I think I'm picking better guys with each iteration, although the last guy (not the current guy) is a bit of an outlier. Weirdo.
Anyway. We had this "State of the Relationship" talk the other night. One of the the things that came up was jealousy and opposite-sex friendships. I thought we had already talked about it, but apparently we didn't really see eye-to-eye on things. I certainly did not see that I was here and he was way the fuck over there (on that topic, the relationship, etc. etc.). How'd I miss that? To tease me at the end of the conversation, he said,
"So who's this guy you went to dinner with the other night?"
"He's a friend from cycling. He's nice; I got the impression that he wanted it to be a date but I told him beforehand that I had a boyfriend. He seemed disappointed, poor guy."
"You're not attracted to him?"
"No, not really."
"Why not?"
"Uh (I don't need to look when I'm *with* someone already! Gee, one guy is hard enough for me to figure out! What am I gonna do with two!?), I don't know. He's a cyclist. He shaves his legs. That's weird." (Sorry Don! I had to say something!)
"He shaves his legs huh? I wonder what else he shaves?!"
"Eew!"
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4 Soliloquies:
:) There's something wierd about hairy legs on a road bike too!
Ohhhhh Dear Diane... what to say here.
Have you ever thought about the fact that you may just be not meeting the right guy and then in an effort to make any ol' guy do, you're trying too hard, compensating for the shortcomings you already know exist? When you meet a real **match** it will feel sooooo right. It won't be work at all, it will all be natural and easy. These men so far just haven't been a good match for you.
They say that you never find what you're looking for until you stop looking. So stop looking, Diane! Just be your beautiful, talented, smart, sexy, enthusiastic and energetic self, as you normally are, and let your internal and external magnetism speak for itself. You're still young, you don't need to rush into marriage. I was married at your age (if I am guessing your age correctly) and it was a BIG mistake.
Take your time, play the field, and when Mr. Right comes along, it will be the most warm, natural, fulfilling, easy relationship you've ever had.
Now... as for the hair thing... I say that as long as the guy isn't completely shaved everywhere, then he's still more a man than a woman and it's ok. LOL
Don, this is true, but there's still something atavistically strange about a guy with shaved legs. Whenever I ride behind a cyclist now I notice whether or not he has shaved legs and the whole concept is just something I haven't gotten over yet.
Jules, thanks for the note! :)
We talked about things over the weekend and he said he thought about our conversation and apologized for not "being there". He said he's going to try to be more emotionally available in the future and he also chastised me for not being more upset with him to begin with.
I was really frustrated when I wrote this and pretty despondent because at the time I thought that my idea of how the relationship was going was not how it was actually going, and it turns out that reality is much closer to my idea than I thought at that time.
I really think the world of him and he treats me well. I'd prefer honesty over someone who would lie to me, even if what he says isn't what I want to hear.
You will get over it.. :) perhaps..
Of course the reason for it is bike racers crash all the time and it's easier to treat and dress the wounds without hair, but there's also the aesthetic. It's hard to take a sleek Pinarello and put a hairy monkey on it and still have it look cool.
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