I told this story to my boyfriend last night and he about doubled-up laughing. So I thought I'd share it with everyone, because it *is* funny, and also because I can definitely say I've gotten something out of dating so many people who were so obviously not right for me.
I used to date this dude who would tell me his earwax smelled sweet. On occasion he would proffer me a used q-tip, saying, "Smell it!"
No. I don't want to smell your earwax. I don't even want to smell mine. The rabid curiosity of people-with-Y-chromosomes and their bodily fluids/substances never cease to amaze me.
So imagine me getting chased around this guy's apartment by him wielding a earwaxy q-tip.
Yeah. He was a real winner, that one.
By the way, I have so-called "dry" earwax. Most Caucasians have "wet" earwax. Learn more about it here.
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, October 21, 2010
What Else He Shaves
I'm starting to think I must *really* suck at relationships. They fail when I feed them with much love and affection, they fail when I feed less love and affection. They fail when I try too hard. They fail when I give up trying. What? What is it? Why can I get it to work?
I'm a bit lost that people say women have so much power in relationships, because I just am not seeing that at all. I don't think I'm ever going to get married to that guy who's the perfect teammate for me and have little fat babies. I'll have fat Shiba Inus instead. Because the people love just isn't working for me. It's tragic and I'm frustrated and I honestly cannot figure out what I'm doing wrong. I can suspect, and change the gameplan a little each time I go out with someone new, but it's always, without fail, an epic failure every time.
How is it that I can be so damn smart and yet so dumb with this relationship bullshit? I mean, the player I knew in college got married, and the jerk who used me to move to South Bay before dumping me has been married for a year and a half already.
Maybe I'm just un-marriable.
Strangely enough I think I'm picking better guys with each iteration, although the last guy (not the current guy) is a bit of an outlier. Weirdo.
Anyway. We had this "State of the Relationship" talk the other night. One of the the things that came up was jealousy and opposite-sex friendships. I thought we had already talked about it, but apparently we didn't really see eye-to-eye on things. I certainly did not see that I was here and he was way the fuck over there (on that topic, the relationship, etc. etc.). How'd I miss that? To tease me at the end of the conversation, he said,
"So who's this guy you went to dinner with the other night?"
"He's a friend from cycling. He's nice; I got the impression that he wanted it to be a date but I told him beforehand that I had a boyfriend. He seemed disappointed, poor guy."
"You're not attracted to him?"
"No, not really."
"Why not?"
"Uh (I don't need to look when I'm *with* someone already! Gee, one guy is hard enough for me to figure out! What am I gonna do with two!?), I don't know. He's a cyclist. He shaves his legs. That's weird." (Sorry Don! I had to say something!)
"He shaves his legs huh? I wonder what else he shaves?!"
"Eew!"
I'm a bit lost that people say women have so much power in relationships, because I just am not seeing that at all. I don't think I'm ever going to get married to that guy who's the perfect teammate for me and have little fat babies. I'll have fat Shiba Inus instead. Because the people love just isn't working for me. It's tragic and I'm frustrated and I honestly cannot figure out what I'm doing wrong. I can suspect, and change the gameplan a little each time I go out with someone new, but it's always, without fail, an epic failure every time.
How is it that I can be so damn smart and yet so dumb with this relationship bullshit? I mean, the player I knew in college got married, and the jerk who used me to move to South Bay before dumping me has been married for a year and a half already.
Maybe I'm just un-marriable.
Strangely enough I think I'm picking better guys with each iteration, although the last guy (not the current guy) is a bit of an outlier. Weirdo.
Anyway. We had this "State of the Relationship" talk the other night. One of the the things that came up was jealousy and opposite-sex friendships. I thought we had already talked about it, but apparently we didn't really see eye-to-eye on things. I certainly did not see that I was here and he was way the fuck over there (on that topic, the relationship, etc. etc.). How'd I miss that? To tease me at the end of the conversation, he said,
"So who's this guy you went to dinner with the other night?"
"He's a friend from cycling. He's nice; I got the impression that he wanted it to be a date but I told him beforehand that I had a boyfriend. He seemed disappointed, poor guy."
"You're not attracted to him?"
"No, not really."
"Why not?"
"Uh (I don't need to look when I'm *with* someone already! Gee, one guy is hard enough for me to figure out! What am I gonna do with two!?), I don't know. He's a cyclist. He shaves his legs. That's weird." (Sorry Don! I had to say something!)
"He shaves his legs huh? I wonder what else he shaves?!"
"Eew!"
Sunday, September 26, 2010
So There I Was . . . . .
Standing in Victoria's Secret, a bit vexed they didn't have the pretty lacy "lilac frost" panties to match the bra I found, and perturbed that their selection of pretty white delicates were lacking. I have the free cotton panties in my hand, along with the white delicates I decided to settle for.
A fellow who was there with his wife and small daughter looked at me, and said, "You work at The Company, right?"
I honestly never saw this fellow before in my life. How the hell did he know? "Uh, yeah. I work at The Company."
"I knew I recognized you! I see you all the time walking by my building! You're always going somewhere!"
"Yeah, I'm on my way to Coffee Bean." I'm standing there with panties in my hand talking to some married guy I've never seen before who's apparently been spying on me at work long enough to notice that I frequent the nearby cafe. This seems ripe for comedy.
"That's right! You're always walking back with coffee!"
He's got me like a deer in headlights now, because I'm not walking to Coffee Bean all that much these days. Not only that, but how can someone notice me for so long and yet not eventually say hello and introduce himself? Preferably in the context where he's been noticing me, and not in a lingerie store?
I'm not sure whether to be slightly disturbed that this guy recognized me without my Company Badge (which, if you don't socialize with coworkers, ensures your anonymity at The Company. At least, I have a hard time remembering names of people I rarely interact with when I don't see their badges), or to be perplexed that I was having a random conversation I did not initiate with a married man at Victoria's Secret.
At any rate, I obviously need to find a better way to get to Coffee Bean. Or do a better job at becoming a mistress of disguise. Or figure out how to exploit this strange ability or quirk to profit and make my millions.
A fellow who was there with his wife and small daughter looked at me, and said, "You work at The Company, right?"
I honestly never saw this fellow before in my life. How the hell did he know? "Uh, yeah. I work at The Company."
"I knew I recognized you! I see you all the time walking by my building! You're always going somewhere!"
"Yeah, I'm on my way to Coffee Bean." I'm standing there with panties in my hand talking to some married guy I've never seen before who's apparently been spying on me at work long enough to notice that I frequent the nearby cafe. This seems ripe for comedy.
"That's right! You're always walking back with coffee!"
He's got me like a deer in headlights now, because I'm not walking to Coffee Bean all that much these days. Not only that, but how can someone notice me for so long and yet not eventually say hello and introduce himself? Preferably in the context where he's been noticing me, and not in a lingerie store?
I'm not sure whether to be slightly disturbed that this guy recognized me without my Company Badge (which, if you don't socialize with coworkers, ensures your anonymity at The Company. At least, I have a hard time remembering names of people I rarely interact with when I don't see their badges), or to be perplexed that I was having a random conversation I did not initiate with a married man at Victoria's Secret.
At any rate, I obviously need to find a better way to get to Coffee Bean. Or do a better job at becoming a mistress of disguise. Or figure out how to exploit this strange ability or quirk to profit and make my millions.
Friday, September 10, 2010
I Feel Like I Must Be A Racist. . . .
Because I think the "good" dancer must be a black man. . . . and the "bad" dancer is a white engineer.
Psychologists Identify Killer Dance Moves For Men
Psychologists Identify Killer Dance Moves For Men
Friday, July 02, 2010
Now I Wonder
I was a little surprised at getting picked up at my apartment on our last date. I didn't really have the time to "sanitize" the place. Now I gotta wonder what he must have thought when he most likely saw this stack of books in my bookshelf (top shelf, center stack):
Well? Don't you?
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Where The Cute Girls Are
I've had two married men independently tell me the same thing, so I'm thinking it must at least be true among the men I know at work. I'm now going to share their secret with the world, but only because I find it so hilarious.
Men scope out and keep a map (either in their heads or written down somewhere) of where all the hot girls at work sit.
I don't even know where the hot guys at work sit (Someone please tell me there are hot guys at my work!)!
And I thought women were the only ones who plot.
Men scope out and keep a map (either in their heads or written down somewhere) of where all the hot girls at work sit.
I don't even know where the hot guys at work sit (Someone please tell me there are hot guys at my work!)!
And I thought women were the only ones who plot.
Friday, May 07, 2010
No Kids?
Today is "Bring Your Child To Work Day" at my workplace.
This morning when I walked in, both of the guards (the one in the parking lot, and the one at the building), both asked, "No kids?"
Geez, I didn't think I looked *that* old. When I said that I was single and had no kids, both guards seemed embarrassed. I kind of thought it was funny.
Maybe I gotta start wearing my hair down at work or something!
This morning when I walked in, both of the guards (the one in the parking lot, and the one at the building), both asked, "No kids?"
Geez, I didn't think I looked *that* old. When I said that I was single and had no kids, both guards seemed embarrassed. I kind of thought it was funny.
Maybe I gotta start wearing my hair down at work or something!
Sunday, September 06, 2009
It Goes To Eleven
For the past few weeks my stress levels were running around seven or eight. Stressful, but manageable. I was successfully juggling work, school (and school-related stuff), running, and my other two exercise hobbies as well as my social/love life. I was tired at the end of the day, but in command of my domain.
This week, I find out my stress level can go to eleven. Damn. All of a sudden, I was desperate to keep all of those balls in the air. If I let any of my exercise plans slip, stress doesn't get relieved and I become a lot more unpleasant to deal with, not to mention seriously unhappy. If I let school slip, I don't get the education that I crave. If I let work slip, well, school doesn't get paid for and neither does my car or apartment. You get the picture.
Tonight while I was running, I remembered how hard it was for me to get to the point where a 5K was something I didn't need to train for to do well in. I didn't have the mental endurance to push myself further. I limited myself with my physical, emotional, and mental pain. I spent several years at that level, not knowing how to break out of the glass ceiling I'd made for myself.
For me, it took a lot of courage to gain the level of self-trust needed to regularly go beyond three miles. Some days I still struggle to run five miles, but I consider that distance now my regular training distance. It's been only very recently that I've been able to consider ten miles an easily-obtainable long run.
This is a matter of perspective. A year ago, ten miles might as well have been one hundred. I was very demoralized that I might never reach my goal of running the marathon. How could I run twenty-six-point-two miles when I had such a hard time running three-point-one? Today, I feel my goal is within my grasp and I know that I have the training and the mental strength to reach out and grab it.
Just where am I going with this? Well, this thing that has caused so much stress in my life will not be the toughest thing I have to face in life. It was unexpected and possibly life-altering. To top it all off, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. Facing this thing head-on will be practice for when I have really difficult stressful events to deal with. Learning to relax, to breathe, to maintain inertia and forward motion, these are the skills I'm going to obtain from this difficult experience.
Because my mental toughness goes to eleven too.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
When Zombies Attack
A scientific paper.
I'm not a fan of horror films, but I love Shaun of the Dead. I' m a big Resident Evil 4 fan as well, even though the player doesn't deal with zombies in that game.
I'm not a fan of horror films, but I love Shaun of the Dead. I' m a big Resident Evil 4 fan as well, even though the player doesn't deal with zombies in that game.
Friday, July 10, 2009
What Victory Feels Like
I really appreciate Dilbert, but I super-appreciate Scott Adams when he comes up with stuff like this:
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Starfleet Academy, No. 1 Party School
Scenes like this, with the point to set up how cool Kirk is supposed to be and how all the fanboiz want to be Kirk, totally miss the message. At least Bateman gets it.
Yeah. I'm also seriously depressed that in the future, there are still totally creepy douchebags.
Yeah. I'm also seriously depressed that in the future, there are still totally creepy douchebags.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
A Situation So Sad I Have To Laugh
I get a bit annoyed when I have to fly now. Not that I've had to in a long while, but still. The idea of spending an extra half hour at the airport to hang out in a line while my stuff gets checked out does not make my "fun" list of things-to-do.
Schneier on Security has a good post on this for something "funny" to do. Not that I would actually do this in fear of wasting a day in bureaucratic hell, but still.
A popular phrase on the comments seems to be "These are not the droids you are looking for".
Forcing me to throw out my toothpaste, or bottle of water, or eyeball solution, does not make me safer. If it did, I could do that at home on my own.
Schneier on Security has a good post on this for something "funny" to do. Not that I would actually do this in fear of wasting a day in bureaucratic hell, but still.
A popular phrase on the comments seems to be "These are not the droids you are looking for".
Forcing me to throw out my toothpaste, or bottle of water, or eyeball solution, does not make me safer. If it did, I could do that at home on my own.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Top Ten Ways To Please Your Man
I've been making random jokes about Cosmo's "top ten ways to please your man" thing for years.
And now I've found the Onion is doing it too:
'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man
And now I've found the Onion is doing it too:
'Cosmopolitan' Institute Completes Decades-Long Study On How To Please Your Man
Friday, July 25, 2008
Where The Hell Are We?
Where The Hell Is Matt? (2008)
I recently found this video. . . not quite sure how. I think I was browsing YouTube or something and stumbled across it.
Anyway, I watched it, and went to the guy's website. He seems like a good sort.
In his FAQ he mentioned how he's just dancing in his video, he's not pushing any agenda or "message".
I remember hearing or learning somewhere that art is something where we take what we want from art, we insert our beliefs and our motivations into a piece of art and extract something we want to see. Maybe (if we're lucky), we can learn something about ourselves and about humanity by viewing art.
I definitely love the piece of music they use as the soundtrack for this video.
So what does this video mean to me? I think it means that people are more alike than unalike, and that things like love and generosity is what is going to bring the world together in harmony and peace. It's about how extraordinary our world is and how beautiful it is.
It's about how Americans need to get off our lazy butts and go see the world before we blow it up (literally or figuratively).
I must be ready for my next vacation.
I recently found this video. . . not quite sure how. I think I was browsing YouTube or something and stumbled across it.
Anyway, I watched it, and went to the guy's website. He seems like a good sort.
In his FAQ he mentioned how he's just dancing in his video, he's not pushing any agenda or "message".
I remember hearing or learning somewhere that art is something where we take what we want from art, we insert our beliefs and our motivations into a piece of art and extract something we want to see. Maybe (if we're lucky), we can learn something about ourselves and about humanity by viewing art.
I definitely love the piece of music they use as the soundtrack for this video.
So what does this video mean to me? I think it means that people are more alike than unalike, and that things like love and generosity is what is going to bring the world together in harmony and peace. It's about how extraordinary our world is and how beautiful it is.
It's about how Americans need to get off our lazy butts and go see the world before we blow it up (literally or figuratively).
I must be ready for my next vacation.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Isn't This The Truth?
I saw this in the breakroom at work today.
"Life's Journey is Long. Better Bring Snacks."
"Life's Journey is Long. Better Bring Snacks."
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
I Guess You'll Do
I recently had a conversation with my mom over the phone regarding the college class I'm taking online. . . .
Mom: "Oh, that's great! School will be such a great place for you to meet new people!"
Me: "Well, I don't think I'm going to be meeting many people. The class is online. I watch the professor give the lecture in a classroom and I'm at home."
Mom: "Oh. But you still have to go to campus, don't you?"
Me: "Yeah, but only for the midterm and finals."
Mom: "Well, maybe you'll meet someone on campus then."
Me: "Well, maybe, but everyone is going to be focused on taking their tests and they won't be trying to meet someone new."
Mom: "Oh well that's no good. You should take class on campus."
I Guess You'll Do
A while ago I had another phone conversation with my mom. It started with her saying something about how she was getting older and she still wanted to be around and spry enough to enjoy having grandchildren.
Me: "Well Mom, I guess I can just find any guy to get married and have kids with. Who cares if he's a drug dealer and beats me!"
Mom: "Oh no, you have to find a good one!"
I think I would find all of this really funny if it wasn't so sad.
Mom: "Oh, that's great! School will be such a great place for you to meet new people!"
Me: "Well, I don't think I'm going to be meeting many people. The class is online. I watch the professor give the lecture in a classroom and I'm at home."
Mom: "Oh. But you still have to go to campus, don't you?"
Me: "Yeah, but only for the midterm and finals."
Mom: "Well, maybe you'll meet someone on campus then."
Me: "Well, maybe, but everyone is going to be focused on taking their tests and they won't be trying to meet someone new."
Mom: "Oh well that's no good. You should take class on campus."
I Guess You'll Do
A while ago I had another phone conversation with my mom. It started with her saying something about how she was getting older and she still wanted to be around and spry enough to enjoy having grandchildren.
Me: "Well Mom, I guess I can just find any guy to get married and have kids with. Who cares if he's a drug dealer and beats me!"
Mom: "Oh no, you have to find a good one!"
I think I would find all of this really funny if it wasn't so sad.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Second Monitor
Today's Dilbert is really good. Watch out though, I think it will only be up for a month.
Sorry I haven't been blogging much; I've been keeping busy, and all my blogs end up being really personal and I don't want to be putting that crap out in the bloggerverse.
Sorry I haven't been blogging much; I've been keeping busy, and all my blogs end up being really personal and I don't want to be putting that crap out in the bloggerverse.
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