This Is Really Beautiful

The last days of David Foster Wallace

I have a lot of sympathy for those who choose suicide. There is no tougher decision to make than that final one.

People who are not sympathetic, who think it's a selfish act, just don't "get it".

This tribute article is poignant. Read it.

Depression in Utah - Revisited

Eight Hour Lunch - The Church of the Depressed

I hit up Eight Hour Lunch every now and then; Doug is hilarous (but doesn't pull punches). He's gone to a podcast format, which I was uncomfortable listening to at first but now I really enjoy it.

This particular post was an interview with the author of Emerging From The Ashes and research concerning depression and being Mormon (she has a list of literature regarding this here).

Wow. This is possibly the best discussion on the subject that I've listened/read to date.

Girly Health Stuff

I've been going to an acupuncturist since late May for a girly problem I have. Basically, it means my cycles are all screwed up because my hormone levels are all screwed up. The OBGYN I go to wanted to prescribe Metformin and/or BCPs (birth control pills), neither of which I'm ready to try until I know the acupuncture isn't working for me. I really don't want to go on BCPs, mainly because I've tried them before and I don't think they work for me.

I've had some success with acupuncture. It's relaxing and not at all scary. Sometimes the needles hurt when they go in, but mostly all I feel are the pinpricks and then nothing. Sometimes I fall asleep.

I think it's important for women to know about PCOS, because it really wrecks havoc in people's lives. There's a small chance I won't be able to have children. Because of the hormone and metabolic imbalances PCOS can cause, women may gain horrible amounts of weight and have a hell of a hard time working it off. I've lived with acne since puberty because of it. I'm at higher risk for cardiovascular disease, diabetes (especially because I have a family history), and endometrial cancer.

I think the acupuncture is working because I think my cycles are becoming more normal. I get PMS (which I never used to get) in a bad way (I think the Eastern theory is that my body is finally processing all of these emotions that have built-up over time) - I get extremely tired, sad and moody. I think I'm unpleasant to be around, and I feel guilty and more sad because I genuinely don't like being bitchy to people I care about.

Sometimes I think I'm selfish because I want clear skin and a more feminine body shape (PCOS can cause women to have an "apple" body shape associated with central obesity). I think I'm selfish because I feel I deserve to have regular cycles.

Then I remember that, compared to others my age, I have a pretty good life. Even compared to others with PCOS, I don't have to shave my face or deal with being morbidly obese.

But I'm still sad about the whole thing.

Broken

My favorite professor from college once told me that people are inherently broken. The closer I get to people, the closer I get to myself, I believe it.

Is it possible to get un-broken? Is it possible for me to say that events A, B, and C in my life seriously were the cause of all the SNAFUery (I didn't make it up, I promise!) in my life and doing X, Y and Z things will be the salve that heals the burn?

Or is the brokenness irreparable, and we are forced to plod ahead and hope that we can meet people/do actions/have feelings that will cause us to be less broken in the future?

Either path, both full of hope, are equally full of bloody heart-rendering and tears so bitter you can hardly taste the sweetness in life. But only if you're honest with yourself, and you must be if you hope to truly mend.

National Depression Screening Day

It's October 5th! If you're not feeling like "yourself", go get checked out! Especially if you have any (or multiple!) of these symptoms:

• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood.
• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism.
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness.
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed.
• Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down”.
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions.
• Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping.
• Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain.
• Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts.
• Restlessness, irritability.
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain.

Are You Blue? FYI

Are you Depressed?

(All of the below information was taken from MSN's health page)

• Set realistic goals for yourself, and take on a reasonable amount of responsibility.
• Break large tasks into small ones, and set priorities. Do what you can when you are able.
• Postpone major life decisions (such as changing jobs, moving, or getting married or divorced) when you are depressed.
• Try to share your feelings with someone. It is usually better than being alone and secretive.
• Let your family and friends help you.
• Even if you don't feel motivated, try to participate in religious, social, or other activities.
• Get regular exercise.
• Eat a balanced diet. If you lack an appetite, eat small snacks rather than large meals.
• Avoid drinking alcohol or using illegal drugs or medications that have not been prescribed to you. They may interfere with your medications or worsen your depression.
• Get adequate sleep. If you have problems sleeping:
  • Go to bed at the same time every night and, more importantly, get up at the same time every morning.
  • Keep your bedroom dark and free of noise.
  • Don't exercise after 5:00 p.m.
  • Avoid caffeinated beverages after 5:00 p.m.
  • Avoid the use of nonprescription sleeping pills or alcohol, because they can make your sleep restless and may interact with your depression medications.
• Be patient and kind to yourself. Remember that depression is not your fault and is not something you can overcome with willpower alone. Treatment is necessary for depression, just like for any other illness.
• Try to maintain a positive attitude—remember that feeling better takes time, and your mood will improve little by little.

Exercise Tips:

• Do not overtire yourself. Start with simple activities, such as walking, bicycling, slow swimming, or jogging.
• Always warm up your muscles for about 5 minutes before you start exercising. You can walk, slowly move your arms and legs, or do simple muscle stretches.
• Use the talk-sing test to see whether you are exercising at a pace that is right for you. If you can talk while you are exercising, you are doing fine. If you can sing during exercise, you can exercise a little faster or harder. If you are not able to talk, you are probably exercising too hard. Slow down a bit.
• Cool down for 5 to 10 minutes after you exercise. It is okay to do some stretching exercises during cooldown.
• Drink water after exercising. Drink eight 8 fl oz (236.59 mL) glasses of water each day.
• Avoid exercising 2 to 3 hours before bedtime so that you will not have difficulty falling asleep.

Gradually increase your exercise until you can exercise for 20 to 30 minutes, 5 times per week. Remember that it takes time to develop a full exercise program. Proceed at a pace that is comfortable for you. If you have problems exercising regularly on your own, ask someone else to exercise with you or join an exercise group or health club.

The following warning signs may be present in adults who have a high risk for suicide:

• Depression or other mental health condition, such as bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness) or schizophrenia
• Depression followed by sudden cheerfulness and contentment. This may mean the person has made a decision to finalize a suicide plan.
• A previous suicide attempt
• Alcohol or substance abuse
• Death of a spouse or significant other
• Divorce
• Failing relationships
• Loss of a job or poor performance on the job
• Preoccupation with death in conversations
• Giving away personal possessions

Other factors that may contribute to thoughts of suicide include:

• A family member who has committed suicide.
• A history of physical or sexual abuse.
• Diagnosis of a serious medical illness.
• A family history of depression or schizophrenia.
• Recent life change, such as a death in the family, marriage, the birth of a child, a job loss, or a job promotion or demotion.

Suicide Shouldn't Be Ignored

And discussion of such shouldn't be taboo. I don't know how long this article is going to be accessible, but here it is.

Deadly taboo: Youth suicide an epidemic that many in Utah prefer to ignore

Quotes:

Through dozens of interviews with young people, parents, doctors, counselors and state officials increasingly concerned about the problem, reporters concluded several important points about teen suicide in Utah:

• Insurance companies and lawmakers are failing our young people in the context of this problem. Although treatment and medication for mental health concerns associated with suicide have improved, experts say insurance company restrictions have a stranglehold on preventive measures.
• Ninety percent of young people who complete suicide have some form of major psychiatric disorder, although the majority are not taking medication at the time they take their lives.
• Utah does not have a suicide prevention advocacy network or a crisis center, which would be a critical clearinghouse for worried adults and teenagers.
• Local treatment beds for young people who are suicidal have decreased. And there is little, if any, public funding for young people up until the point of absolute crisis.

The Utah Youth Suicide Study, the state's most careful analysis of this issue, provides the best profile of those young people who "complete" suicide.

• 89 percent were male.
• 58 percent used firearms.
• 93 percent were Caucasian.
• 74 percent killed themselves at home.
• 63 percent had contact with the criminal justice system, and half of those had referrals for substance use, abuse or possession.
• Only 3 percent were using psychotropic medications when they died.
• Only 2 percent were active in public mental health treatment.

The study made clear the role society's attitude plays in this problem and concluded those who died faced the following barriers for adequate mental health care:

• The belief that nothing could help.
  
• The belief that seeking help is a sign of weakness or failure.
  
• The reluctance to admit to having mental health problems.
  
• The denial of problems.
  
• The embarrassment about seeking help.

The study concluded, "It is suggested that the stigma of mental illness is a considerable barrier to mental health treatment."

"We have got to do away with this stigma," says Utah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff, whose daughter has struggled with suicidal thoughts. "We need to recognize it as a problem and address it."

"We have this 'All is well in Zion' kind of thing going here," Shurtleff said.

"We'd rather not talk about it at all or maybe to go talk to the bishop about it," he said. "If there really is a mental health issue you need help. It doesn't work to talk to the youth leaders or ecclesiastic leaders."

Apathy

Well, Tech won against Western 40-24 today. Go Diggers.

I've been fairly apathetic this week; it didn't really get bad until around Wednesday or so. I'm not even sure why I'm so mentally in the hole.

All I want to do is sleep, and stare at the wall, for the most part. And eat copious amounts of chocolate. And it really sucks, because there's people out there that have shittier lives than I do, there's people dying a half a world away and there's not a damn thing I can do about it, and all I seem to be capable of right now is wallowing in a hole of my own misery.

It would be nice to have someone to go to dinner and movies and games with, but that's about it. It would be nice to be able to call someone up and say, "Hey, let's go do something tonight" and have something exciting and interesting happen. But life, it seems, is not nice. Or at least it hasn't been the kindest to me.