What Am I Doing?

I'm awake, way too late on a week night, wondering what I'm doing with my life in general.

I'm not a computer science whiz kid, never have been. I like the concepts, and I like execution of concepts and coding in general, but not necessarily at the speed required by professors. Computer security fascinates me in general and cryptanalysis specifically.

I'm taking a class that would put me on track to start on a Master's of Science. Why? I don't really know anymore. It seems like the right thing to do. If I do this I'll be giving up most of my free time for the next four years.

That is, if I still have my job for the next four years. With this economy who knows what will happen?

By the way, the reason why I'm up so late is because I took a nap earlier today so I could do the homework that's due on Wednesday (really tomorrow) for class. I already feel like a hermit with no friends and no life. Am I going to wake up in 4 years, just a few months shy of 30, and feel the same way? I've always felt somewhat of an outcast, but this isn't really where I saw myself.

I want a great love, and I want a career where I feel I'm not prostituting myself for the cash or the benefits. To love the work for the sake of it. I want the time and energy to put into the hobbies I enjoy. Somewhere along the line I feel like I must have wandered someplace extremely wrong, because I have none of those things. And sadder still, I have no idea how I'm going to get those things.

I'm in dire fear of becoming just ordinary.