Loss Of A Great Love

I lost a Great Love tonight.

I have no one with whom to share my bed, my food, my home, or my life with. Not to mention my dreams, the great sorrows and triumphs of life, and my soul.

I've cried so hard for so long my throat feels like sandpaper. I look a mess. I can't sleep - I had to force myself to eat tonight.

Yet I still breathe. Why?

I think of the experiences I won't get to have with him. I think of the experiences we've shared that we won't get to share again. I think on happier days when we were drunk with the new pangs of love.

How sad it would be to never love again. But to hope that the next Great Love would be the last, how great and wonderful that would be!

How futile a hope. I can't seem to get a relationship to last more than a few precious months. Before I met this man, I thought my heart was irreparably broken, that I could never truly love again.

Tonight I cannot stand the thought of falling in love at all.

I won't ever get to see him sleeping next to me. I won't ever be close enough to smell his skin or whisper sweet thoughts into his ear.

I face the world alone. Tomorrow I face Unforgiving Life and I must press on. To mourn would be to falter, and I have no one to save me now.

Let's Worry About The Right Things

Worry About The Right Things
Beer Runners' Flour Trail a Recipe For Trouble

I really can't believe the New Haven eye doctor and his sister are being charged with breach of peace. It's absolutely ludicrous!

I think the prosecutor will have a difficult time proving intent.

I can understand why someone would overreact and freak out, but instead of saying, "oops, false alarm", they charge the people who were doing something completely innocent and unrelated to terrorism with a felony. Can't our taxes be put to a better use?

J.H.C. Worry that your fire department can't communicate with your police department or E.M.T.s in the event of a real emergency. Worry the same for our soldiers and Marines on-the-ground in Iraq and Afghanistan. Then do something about it. Worry that high blood pressure and obesity is going to kill you. Don't let fear run your life, because once you do you turn your security over to people who may or may not have your best interests in mind. Don't think of security as a defensive precaution - think of it as proactive, offensive measures that encompasses a broad scope.

So Here We Go

This thing has already been beaten to death. Why I feel compelled to comment on it, I don't know. Maybe it's because I think entertainers' job is to look good and entertain us, and that points should be given for effort. I know that's not how the world works.

Also, it's really a great thing to see someone overcome adversity. We cheer along because we hope that if we sink to our lowest lows that we can one day rise again.

So anyway, here we go. Onto the Britney Spears Video Music Awards thing.

I honestly don't think it was that bad of a performance. I don't think it was good, but I don't think it was the ship-sinking wreck that people (especially the media) are making it out to be.

I think she should have gone with a different costume, but that wasn't my call (obviously).

She may or may not have had a drink or two before hitting the stage. I don't know how this would affect her performance anxiety. When I have a drink I usually want to get up and dance!

I'm a supporter of the theory there was something funky going on with her right boot (although I do think it's possible to dance in heels effectively). She seems (to me) fairly confidant when the song starts (she opens with a cover of Elvis' "Trouble") and then right after she starts the song she heavily favors her right leg. If you watch her closely enough you can tell she doesn't put her weight fully on that leg unless she's walking (in which case she can walk on the ball of her foot and 'fake' it) or if she's interacting with another dancer and can count on him/her for support if the heel fails.

I am obviously not a professional dancer, but I have done my fair share of performance dancing. I've always learned dances in chunks, and if you flub a move it's hard to get back to where you were in the dance. I theorize that the funky boot threw her off enough so that she had trouble remembering the next move, so waited until it was time to move to the next chunk of the dance.

For the record, the two times backup dancers help her onto and off of the riser on the stage, I definitely think those were choregraphed dance moves, and not just a backup dancer thinking that was the helpful thing to do at the moment.

I know that doesn't explain why she didn't take off the boots when the problem started - it's possible she didn't think she could work it in to the routine.

Here is a video of the evidence someone compiled. Even if the photos are altered, there's a tiny clip in the video (at 2:27) that I think would be difficult to alter on short notice (and look accurate).
Here is a video of her performance.
Here is a video clip of her rehearsal, which I think shows she feels confidant with some of the dance moves.

Anniversary

A year ago today, I moved to L.A.

I feel like it was only a few days ago, yet I feel that some part of me has grown, developed, changed in my malleable way. The other day my neighbor commented that he's really enjoyed watching my transition from small town college girl to big city working girl.

Change doesn't happen overnight. Time is a constant - it doesn't move faster or slower - only our perception changes.

When I was in school, it felt like time dragged by so slowly. I viewed things in semester blocks. Now I view time in pay period blocks, interspersed in between elusive "productive weekends".

I tried foods like jerk chicken, hummus, tabbouleh, saganaki, avgolemono, thai iced tea, chicken yellow curry, miso soup, and sushi. I once had chicken feet and tripe at dim sum. I've been tango dancing in Hollywood and clubbing in Hermosa. I saw a live show at the Greek Theater.

I don't feel any different. I'm the same person.

Yet less of who I was and more of who I should be.

Restaurant Review - Outback Steakhouse

I went to Outback Steakhouse the other night. They don't really need an advertisement from me, but I like their food.

My sweetheart and I shared a blooming onion, the appetizer Outback is renowned for. Then we were so full we had to share an entree. We split the Victoria Crowned filet mignon with crumbled blue cheese on top. I'm not sure why I love steak with blue cheese so much. It's a great combination of flavors.

I tried their blended peach bellini (Wallabay Damned?), which was really yummy. It wasn't too sweet, which most mixed drinks tend to be.

Probably expensive enough for a "nice" date, but casual enough you don't need to dress up. It's really a good Friday night "let's go out to eat" experience. Just don't try to split a blooming onion between two people.

Outback Steakhouse
21880 Hawthorne Blvd
Torrance, CA 90503
(310) 793-5555

Vu Villa Pizza

I woke up this morning and had a craving for Vu Villa pizza. Which would be fine except for the fact that the Vu Villa is in Butte, Montana, and I'm here in L.A. I'm fairly certain they don't deliver interstate. This is a sad thing. I guess I'll have to wait until they start marketing frozen Vu Villa pizzas at my local grocery store.

The pizza from Vu Villa has this thin, almost crunchy, crust. The sauce is really good and they have all these different "specialty" pizzas named after things concerning Tech, Butte, and mining in general. (Have they named one after Coach Green yet?) They also make pizzas-to-order.

My favorite pizza from Vu Villa (I can't remember the name) has pepperoni and sausage on it, topped further by mushrooms and other veggies, with the option of added jalepeno peppers. This tear-enducing concoction is most delicious - I highly recommend it.

An ex-boyfriend (actually ex-fiance, but we won't go there) of mine used to work there. I didn't know he worked there until I decided to have pizza for dinner one night, and Vu Villa was the closest for me to walk to. I didn't see him behind the counter until after I entered the restaurant, and by then I was pretty committed to eat pizza so I couldn't really leave.

I think by then the call of the pizza god was stronger than the call to avoid an awkward social situation anyway.

I remember he was really angry that I was there, like he never expected me to show up at his work even though we both went to the same small school and Vu Villa was a popular hangout. I remember wondering why he was so angry because by then it had been two or three years since we broke up. I guess there were still lots of strange, unresolved feelings lingering. I remember he was so upset that he botched the credit slip (accidentially charging me $135.00, instead of $13.50 - I may not have the exact number correct but you know what I mean) and had to run a refund credit slip for me. Then when he was boxing my pizza it ended up on the floor, so it had to be remade.

Maybe he was just having a bad day - I don't think he was trying to do all of those things on purpose. Even though he used to harrass me and say really mean things to me if he saw me out on the town and he was with his friends. I used to go out alone because I couldn't get any of my closer friends to go with me - Butte is a safe enough town and I really just wanted to go dancing and maybe see some people I knew.

I've digressed. This is supposed to be about the deliciousness that is Vu Villa Pizza. If you're in Butte tonight and have the opportunity to wander into Uptown, please go to Vu Villa and have a slice for me.

Vu Villa Pizza
521 W. Park St.
Butte, MT 59701
(406) 723-9885

I Misjudged

He had a rich, deep voice. He made jokes and laughed easily. His voice belonged to a man who, in high school, was six feet tall and played lineback for the football team.

I envisioned him wearing a suit and a lilac tie, doing his best to do good things for his clients and his company. He was on his way up the ladder and he was going to do it in style.

I thought he was African American.

I was wrong.

When I met him I didn't recognize him.

He was my height, and Asian. He wore mechanics' coveralls.

Car Shopping

Just call me the Jeep Slayer.

I'm in the market for buying a new car. I think, living in the city, fuel economy and reliability (especially in a car-centric city like L.A.) are paramount.

I've been thinking about the Toyota Yaris. I took a test drive the other day and it wasn't bad; the worst thing I could tell was that the engine doesn't seem to like accelerating at low speeds. From a full stop it really groans to get to 25 MPH. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but that's what it seemed like to me. Since I'm not a speed demon (usually) I don't think that would be a problem for me.

My favorite feature of the Yaris is all the little hiding spots it has. My inner spy just loves the idea that I could have 'secret' hiding places for things like maps, spare keys, etc. Toyota must have had some usability engineers design the interior. While I didn't really care for the climate controls too much, I like that they're designed so if the driver is wearing gloves he or she doesn't have to take the gloves off to fuss with them.

If you're a Yaris owner, I'd love to hear if you've had any problems with your Yaris, or if you think it's the best car you've ever owned, or anything in between. I'd also consider other car recommendations.

Josh Groban at the Honda Center

I saw Josh Groban at the Honda Center Saturday night. It was a good show, although I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as the Michael Buble concert. The OC Register reviewed both the Josh Groban and the Michael Buble show.

I think the problem I have with Josh Groban isn't something that Josh Groban can solve. I have a strong adversion for anything I feel is overly popular or substance lacking (if you go to Disneyland, you will feel what I mean). Or maybe I have a hard time with soft, romantic music that doesn't really convince me the singer is any more than a voice. Maybe that's it. I'm not attracted to soft, sappy, romantic types (although I myself am fairly sappy), or their accompanying music. I'm still in my "self-described bad ass" stage.

Regardless, the concert was enjoyable. He's developing a very eclectic style that I'm not sure I really like, although I can see his appeal to others. I think my favorite song he sang from the concert was "In Her Eyes", during which he wandered throughout the crowd. Other songs I enjoyed from the concert were: Aléjate, Un Dia Llegara, You Are Loved (Don't Give Up), You Raise Me Up, and Remember When It Rained.

Is it awful that my favorite performance from the concert was when violinist Lucia Micarelli led the band in a classically-infused cover of Led Zepplin's Kashmir? I also thought cellist Colette Alexander was fantastic.

Mormons Are People Too

I am at times very critical of people who are LDS. I don't think LDS members are bad people, or that they're evil. Most of my extended family is LDS, with various levels of devotion.

Sometimes I forget about all of that when I talk about the religion, because there are so many things I don't like about what that religion does to the people who don't fit in with them. In my subjective experience, that religion does bad things for people and bad things for society.

For the devout, their subjective experience is very different from my own. They fit in and it works for them. I think that's a good thing generally. Maybe in the bigger picture, it's not a good thing because I think (because of my subjective experiences) that particular flavor of religion is really good at breaking people and causing a lot of dysfunction.

I read something interesting online today about talking with Scientologists. I think there's a lot of universal truth there that can apply to talking with mormons.

One of my dearest friends is LDS. She's smart - earning her master's degree in nursing while working at the same time. She loves her family and wants to be close to them. A while back I mentioned that I was living with my boyfriend (we're not living together anymore, but I digress). She said something in reference to cohabitation, something like, "I couldn't do something illegal." (Illegal was the key word I remember her using) I thought that was a misguided statement, even though I didn't tell her so.

We don't talk about religion. I think it would break the friendship if we did. But I like being her friend and I definitely do think we get something positive out of being friends with one another.

I've had many discussions with a fellow I knew in high school, a returned missionary. Reality check - trying to have a rational conversation about religion with an otherwise-intelligent adherant of said religion is highly unproductive. You can show them blatent black-and-white proof of a religion's brokenness and it's like dust on a Pledge-protected tabletop.

I still think it's fair game to go after modest dresses called "Lolita", though. That's just ridiculous, and I've never read the book.

And here are some well-put-together truths you can read.

I think on some level I need to just accept that I had a substandard education and environment in my adolescence, and be OK with that. Last night I was at my book club (we had read an essay on existentialism) and I had absolutely zero to contribute, mostly because:

1) I know very, very little about philosophy
2) I know even less about existentialism
3) I thought the essay was difficult to read

On the drive home, my boyfriend asked me if I took philosophy in high school, and was shocked to find out that, not only did I not take philosophy in high school, but that it was never offered.

Guess what - I didn't have to read Camus (The Stranger was another book club selection) in high school either. I had never even heard of Camus until last year. So now I can even say that, despite their claims of valuing education, school boards in the hearts of Utah don't require reading something as basic and enjoyable as Camus in high school. Apparently, keeping the literacy level for Utah adults around grade 8 or so is OK and even welcomed.