Terrified Ramblings

I've gotten some huge nibbles from schools in Taiwan on Monday. So I've decided to move into my parents' new home in Kimberly, Idaho and squat there until I leave for Taiwan, probably by the end of June, but no later than the middle of July. I have to call Taiwan's "Economic and Cultural Office" (really, it's an embassy, but we can't call it that or the PRC will go apeshit) in Seattle tomorrow and find out what I need to do to get a 60 or 90-day visa, something that will let me be in-country long enough to get a working permit, or ARC (Alien Resident Certificate). I need to breathe.
I need to pack my apartment up so my parents can load it up this weekend.
I'm terrified of staying in Butte and not having any other job offers come up.
I'm terrified of being in debt the rest of my natural life.
Strangely, I'm terrified of discovering myself over there. I've never felt comfortable, at home, anywhere I've lived. I've outgrown Butte. I feel like I'm missing half of my cultural heritage. (Have you tried growing up not knowing half of who you are?) I've been taking Chinese lessons, but I know the second I'm in-country all of that is going to seem miniscule. At least I know what Mandarin sounds like, and I can pronounce the words I know without butchering them.
I have to go over there for me, for my soul. I don't know what I'm going to discover when I'm over there, but I hope that whatever it is, it'll be good. My grandmother wants me to live with her if I can get a job in Taichung. How can a person who barely knows me trust me enough to live with her? I want to get to know my relatives, to be able to communicate with them.

To become an expatriate sounds exotic. But I need to go because I can't stay here. Maybe I've been stricken with the wanderlust, because I can't stay anywhere too long. I lived in Ontario, CA for 9 years, in Cedar City, UT for 9 years, and Butte for 5. Now I'm planning on going to a place where I won't be able to read simple street signs. I must have a screw loose.