Baggage

We all have emotional baggage.  That shit that weighs us down, that we drag through the years hoping to somehow unburden ourselves of it.  If we're really awful, we force the people around us to carry it for us.  If we're really evolved, we've discovered how to just let it go.  If you're like the rest of us, you pull it all hoping that it doesn't get any heavier.

One particular piece of baggage that I've carried with me involves men and abandonment.  When I was a little girl my dad used to be gone for six months out of the year.  To this day I have no idea how my mom did it, because I'm fairly certain I'm much too insecure to deal with that.

I've always been afraid of being abandoned.  I'd chase my boyfriends with phone calls because I wasn't secure enough to let them contact me.  When they finally would abandon me, I would wonder why I even cared all that much about them in the first place.  Knowing why a thing is broken doesn't do much in terms of fixing it.

He's lightened that load without me even realizing it.  For the first time do I feel free in letting him contact me, secure of his attraction and desire.  How refreshing to let him pursue me at his pace, knowing that he'll be back.  There's a je ne sais quois about his attitude, about how he looks at me, and I just know that I have nothing to worry about.  I'm safe with him.

I savor the sweetness and realize that I think nothing of calling him.  Nothing of a text, an e-mail, a poke on the infamous book of faces.  I relax in that I know he'll be back, and it's delightful.

Granted, I've just been exhausted too, so maybe I took that particular piece of luggage and left it at the last stop.

What Fresh Hell Is This?

Just when you think you've got the world figured out Life throws you a curve ball.  Happens every time.

All my friends would be right to say my love life is a mess.  I've always wanted that certain special relationship.  I've tried so hard to create that in my life, with whatever poor sap that was the mark for the next 8 months or how ever long he decided to stay around.  I always strived to create that great relationship.  Failed miserably every time.

Went through my whole emotional Renaissance.  All "Let's be single until after grad school" planned out.  Fully intended for that to happen.  But I made a profile on eHarmony just in case I was matched with someone I took a liking to.  At least create the opportunity to go out on a date if I wanted to.  But honestly I've been exhausted about dating, about relationships, and none of my matches really excited me.  The idea of logging on and looking sounds tiring.  I probably have 15 communications sitting in my account right now that I just don't want to deal with.

So I meet this guy, and he's just, you know.  Perfect.  Went to grad school with a woman from work.  Good buddies with her boyfriend.  We met one night after I went to happy hour with my colleague.  Next thing you know he's asked me out and he's just being the perfect gentleman and all. . . .dreamy.  Perfect smile, warm brown eyes.  Nice voice.  Sweet on me.

And I feel like such a mess.  If we had met a year ago I'd probably be doing all sorts of things to get in my own damn way.  Now I'm just too drained to do anything but let him be nice to me.  He knows quite a few of my embarrassing stories (like the one I don't think I told anyone in L.A. - how'd he tease that story out of me?), and read my whole story of why I run and was somehow not scared off by the fact I used to be a Marine Officer Candidate.  Practically poured over my entire Facebook profile and read everything.  Somehow did not get scared off.

He makes me feel comfortable and safe and I don't get creeped out that he's interested in me.  Did I mention we have compatible interests (runs triathlons!) and he loves to travel?  Not to mention has great stories?  Don't get me started on how I asked him the "would you go to Mars?" question and even though he didn't say yes, his answer reminded me of something I read in this article and made me say, "Aw!  That's so sweet!"

My colleague is really excited.  Before we went out on our second date, she asked me when it would be.  "I don't know, but it's a little late to set up something for this weekend."

"Oh!  You're supposed to go out on date #2 this weekend and then you're supposed to get married!!"

Say what?

Turns out we did go out on date #2 this weekend.  He called me Saturday to set it up.  I normally don't like going out on such short notice but he's out of town until after the 4th and he's been punctual and completely not flaky.  If we end up getting married she needs to go to the wedding to tell that story.  Because that would be a damn fine story to hear at a wedding.

But honestly, I'm terrified.  I'm a deer in the headlights.  My shit's not together, I'm not ready for this!  I feel like I'm moving in slow-motion and the world is moving in real-time around me.  It also feels like a giant conspiracy.  Some star is looking down at my situation and having a great big laugh at my expense.  Thanks Fate.  Way to kick me while I'm down.

There is No "The One"

I read this today in the comments section of a Slate advice article, and was overjoyed at the wisdom of this statement:

"Just to clear something up with my characteristic killjoy crabiness: There is no "The One." That is a fantasy sold to us by movies and romance novels. If you are looking for "The One" you will end up constantly chasing after greener grass once the initial heat of a relationship dies down, and, in my opinion, doing so will make you unhappy.

From my perspective, making a long-term relationships work takes dedication and compromise - deciding what you want and then sticking to it. Love is important, but secondary. Of course there are limits, but deciding that you're going to commit to a relationship does more toward making you satisfied in the relationship than love. Love(the eight month kind) comes and goes and in a relationship sometimes all you have to hang on to is your decision to hang on. That decision will make him "The One" more than anything else.

Sorry, not completely on topic, I know. Just like to blabber."

Now, just try telling this to the people I date.  My relationships tend to last around 8 months.  :-P

Inter-People Communication

I watched season 1 of The Big Bang Theory this weekend.  Every episode.  That should prove sufficient nerdiness warning for this post!

In computer science there's this idea of inter-process communication, and a common method of accomplishing this is this other idea of message passing.  Two different models of message passing are synchronous and asynchronous systems.

Synchronous systems require an acknowledgment before sending out the next message.  Asynchronous systems don't care, just send the message!

I think dating usually works synchronously, although there are times when communication is asynchronous.  I don't know about you, but those asynchronous points in communication cause a great deal of anxiety for me, mostly because I'm not sure if the message was received or not.  I think guys have a similar problem; I read in a book somewhere that guys like getting an acknowledgment after a date that it went well.  Not necessarily to set up the next date, but just to know that the lady had a good time.  After experimenting with this a little bit, I've noticed that a quick text the day after a date will improve the odds that the guy will set up the next date quickly, by a factor of several days.

Quite obviously there is no way I'll be able to get social norms in dating to adhere to any kind of communication protocol (although I theorize that if we did have some sort of protocol we'd have a lot fewer misunderstandings).  And I think that neither synchronous nor asynchronous message passing will provide an ideal solution that will enhance early-dating-communication while maintaining current social norms.  But I do think some of the principles can apply successfully.

Say Bob wants to take Alice on a date, yet will be out of town next week.  He doesn't want his window of being able to contact Alice to close, so he has to contact her before he leaves town.  Given current social convention, Alice is free to respond any time while Bob is out of town, although if she's very interested in Bob, sooner is better than later.

But now Alice has to wait until Bob gets back!  And even if Bob has access to his communications devices (because let's face it, who doesn't have their cell phone with them most of the time?), social convention dictates that Bob wait until he returns before he contacts Alice with the details of their date.  This waiting causes a lot of anxiety for Alice, even though she already knows that Bob will probably contact her.  If Bob sent a quick acknowledgment with a message that he'll contact her when he's back in town, Alice would have no need to be concerned.  Or maybe Alice is just an neurotic.

Or maybe Alice would be so busy with her own life that she'd forget about Bob being out of town, and when Bob returned and contacted Alice, his window of opportunity on dating Alice would have closed (happened to me!).

Here's another example.  Say Bob and Alice go out on their date.  They have a good time, but Alice waits patiently for Bob to contact her for the second date.  According to social convention, Bob must wait several days before contacting Alice again, but during that time doesn't really know if Alice had a good time or not.  Bob stresses for several days waiting for the requisite time to pass.  If Alice sent a message to Bob the next day saying she had a nice time, then Bob's anxiety is relieved.  Or maybe Bob is a neurotic. (This maps to the anecdote I mentioned earlier)

At any rate, dating is very stressful for everyone involved.  If we were all better communicators (or selective mind readers), things might go much more smoothly.

Skinny Jeans

I'm getting "me" back.  Not just getting "me" back, but really hanging on to the "me" I have.  There was the guy from the internet, the guy from my department, the guy from the other department, and the guy from the parking lot.  Within a span of 24 hours I simultaneously lost interest in all of them (the guy from my department is, let's say, one of those people who you wish would permanently bother someone else), mostly because I felt too exhausted to get involved with or deal with any of them.  Even though I have a lot of free time now to sit, navel gaze, and watch Netflix and YouTube all evening, I prefer it to whatever torture the dating world has dreamed up for me.  I would rather have all of "me" than share myself with any fellow who is unwilling to share his half.  And for me right now, I don't even think half would be nearly enough for me.
This morning, when I was dressing myself for the day, I pulled a pair of my fabled skinny jeans from the closet.  The ones I saved for when I lost enough weight that I'd have my "beach body" back from last year.  The ones that made me feel the sexiest and empowered.  Miraculously enough, they fit!  Not fit perfectly, but comfortably enough I could wear them and not look like an overstuffed bratwurst sausage.
I wonder what else will fit when I have more of myself to keep.

Where The Cute Girls Are

I've had two married men independently tell me the same thing, so I'm thinking it must at least be true among the men I know at work.  I'm now going to share their secret with the world, but only because I find it so hilarious.

Men scope out and keep a map (either in their heads or written down somewhere) of where all the hot girls at work sit.

I don't even know where the hot guys at work sit (Someone please tell me there are hot guys at my work!)!

And I thought women were the only ones who plot.

Movie Review - Robin Hood

Say what you will, I kind of liked the Ridley Scott take on the Robin Hood myth.  I would have much preferred the original conception of the film, which was to have the Sheriff of Nottingham be the protagonist (played by Russell Crowe), Robin Hood be the antagonist, and Maid Marion be the third side of the love triangle between the two.  Somewhere in the middle of development the plot changed to having Crowe play both the Sheriff and Robin Hood, and finally they decided to go with a prequel of the original Robin Hood tale.  Most of the film's faults could probably originated in the many script rewrites.

While not as good as Gladiator, the film is not awful and will probably improve dramatically if Scott gets to release a director's cut on DVD (or is it BluRay?).  The acting is superb, even though Crowe's accent is all over the UK, and the fighting scenes are well-shot, although there are not nearly enough guerrilla fighting scenes that I feel should be in a Robin Hood film.  Then again, if it was just another hash on what's been done many, many times before, the whole thing would have been boring, wouldn't it?

Cate Blanchett and Russell Crowe have great chemistry together.  It's not an overt romance, and it's played delightfully.  As much of a cad as Crowe is, I'm still charmed whenever his eyes are lighted just-so and he smiles with his self-satisfied grin that he's done something nice to win the lady over.  And let's face it, the great favor he does for Marion *was* pretty amazing.  Excepting the last battle, Cate Blanchett perfectly nails her updated version of Marion.  Maybe it's because I'm getting older now, but I really wish Hollywood would just let women be women.  I'm all for female empowerment, but that doesn't necessarily translate to having a token woman fight alongside the guys.  I thought Marion's character was perfectly empowered for a woman of her time and situation.

Besides the "Marion does Joan-of-Arc" thread, the other thing I was fairly unhappy about was including Robin Hood in with the signing of the Magna Carta.  It felt a bit reaching and I'm certain most American viewers don't even know what the Magna Carta is, let alone its' significance in history.  I'm not quite sure how one would re-cut the film to minimize these scenes, as it's an fairly integrated subplot.

I did like how Robin Hood ends up in Nottingham to begin with, as it satisfactorily explains why the original stories have Robin with both peasant and noble roots.  The antagonist Godfrey is far more scary and dangerous than the Sheriff of Nottingham, and if they do make a sequel to this film, it will be hard to feel satisfied running around Nottingham when Robin and his men have fought off the French army on the shores of England.

While the film is all right and worth a viewing, it's probably all right to wait until you can rent it.  I would have much preferred seeing a film shot with the original version of the script, as it would have been ambitious and interesting without turning our protagonist into the Savior of England.

Also, here is a well-balanced review that I like.

Garden Update, Part Two

After I did my garden update yesterday I went to Home Depot and saw they had ARTICHOKE plants in stock.  Weeks ago my parents sent me these three Grow Boxes (Self Watering Containers that are supposed to be the best - and most expensive - you can buy; lots of people make their own though) that I hadn't yet planted with stuff.

Garden Update

Here's another garden update!
I've been meaning to do this for a while; I guess it's been around three weeks since my last update. I have lots of lettuce sprouts! You can see the rose has put out some new branches, and the Early Girl is getting tall!

No Kids?

Today is "Bring Your Child To Work Day" at my workplace.

This morning when I walked in, both of the guards (the one in the parking lot, and the one at the building), both asked, "No kids?"

Geez, I didn't think I looked *that* old. When I said that I was single and had no kids, both guards seemed embarrassed. I kind of thought it was funny.

Maybe I gotta start wearing my hair down at work or something!