Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Innate Brokenness

One of my favorite professors commented once that "everyone is broken".

I believed him at the time, but I never really understood until recently.

I feel that in a lot of ways I'm very naive about the world and very unobservant about people in general.

In a lot of ways, I'm also very broken.

I'm insecure, I'm vain, I have low self-esteem. I don't know how to fix those things. I have hobbies, a good job, and good friends. I work out. I have many interests. Yet in a lot of ways I still feel worthless and insignificant.

It's hard for me to meet new people and make new friends. I wonder if it's because I'm not good at seeking new people out or if it's just the current circle of people I hang out with aren't very compatible with me. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive and a majority of singles spend insane amounts of time at home alone.

I can see why my life has taken the path I'm not but I can't see ahead. My mom tells me not to worry about finding love but I don't believe that young men are capable of love anymore. I have a hard time trusting new romantic interests.

I don't want to fall but I can't see the road ahead for the cliffs below.

3 comments:

don said...

You're only really broken if you have to go into the hospital for a repair.

Anonymous said...

Well, well. Little Diane thinks she's broken. But broken would imply having once been "whole and unbroken" and now having been "broke" in some way. You are simply not fully developed. They call it "quarterlife". Here's a great explanation of it. Not my misspellings so for that, my apologies. But you'll get the gist.

Quarter-life Crisis
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Diane Lowe said...

You know, neighbor, the more I read that the more it makes sense to me.

And the more funny it is.

But it surely doesn't help me get out of my situation, does it? :(